What do you do when you really know you just can’t do something, but you know that you have to do it in order to move forward? Do you:
a) Feel so much despair and hopelessness that you just can’t even think there is a way through?
b) Get really angry and frustrated because your goal is blocked and it feels like you amount to nothing?
c) Feel hugely stressed and flee from the challenge of life?
d) Feel hugely stressed and fight harder to pursue your dream?
e) Wallow in self pity that life is so unfair?
Maybe you do a combination of all of those. I have certainly been experiencing most of those in the last few weeks, as I have been attempting to build this site more. I am not a technological person, but I have decided to incorporate an emarketing tool into my site here, so that I can hopefully build more subscribers and keep in touch with them effectively. With great intent and hope I set to the process of trying to understand alien terminology, known to the techy world but needing an interpreter for me. I watched u-tube videos, found some really helpful teaching aids and using ‘Get Response’, I started to re-educate myself.
Now learning anything is difficult-because my brain has no neural paths for this sort of stuff! So it’s hard work, takes a lot of time and I felt like I was achieving nothing and going nowhere, despite my efforts. I had lots of opportunity to rant. I hit rock bottom when I had to acknowledge that I just couldn’t do what I wanted to do because I don’t understand what I am doing! That felt like the end of my dreams to build a Christian coaching and spiritual direction practice on line, and I could feel myself sinking into the despair of unfulfilment. I was reminded of Victor Frankl, a holocaust survivor, who inspired me with his model of how to live life. If you live life from the perspective of success or failure/ winners and losers you will be unhappy. But if you live from the viewpoint of fulfillment and despair you will live fully alive. So reaching for fulfilment rather than success was giving me some feelings of despair but not failure! At this point I reached out for help.
Steve (my husband) took a day off to help me. It helped not to be alone in my struggle.
We made some progress. We successfully achieved some of the steps. I have a long way to go.
I came back to it a few days later. I had forgotten most things. I watched the videos again.
I listened to a child at school telling me they were packing in their music lessons because it was too hard.
I asked her to imagine if she could see a time in the future when it wouldn’t be so hard but effortless and easy. She could see that. However, she couldn’t at age 9, see the connection between the struggle of learning now and the ease of mastery later. Neither could she tolerate the discomfort of her emotions in the process. She was sabotaged! The experienced adult in me could see. The child in me still wanted to cave in.
I kept going. I found someone more experienced than I in techy stuff to guide me. I’m still going. I havn’t given up. My despair is lifting. My confidence is rising with each small achievement. My view is clearer. I am not so overwhelmed. I am overcoming. I believe I will make this work. I will fulfil my vision. I
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